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The Empathy Divide: Why Compassion Still Belongs in Modern America

Tue, 13 May 2025 21:56:06 GMT

Part 1 of a 2-Part Series on Pressures Facing Women in a Changing Culture

As a woman, and specifically as a working mother, I’ve begun to feel increasing pressure from shifting cultural expectations in the U.S. These pressures aren't always overt, but they raise a troubling possibility: that women might begin to question their value, their instincts, and their place in society. Two emerging cultural trends are particularly concerning. The first is a growing skepticism, even hostility, toward empathy. The second is a resurgence in calls for women to return to more traditional roles. This post will focus on the first: the quiet but persistent attack on empathy.

Empathy, often viewed as a hallmark strength among women, is a cornerstone of effective leadership, strong relationships, and high-performing organizations. Far from being weakness, empathy requires deep cognitive and emotional processing. It’s the ability to understand others, anticipate needs, and respond constructively. To be clear, empathy is not biologically exclusive to women, nor are all men devoid of it. Many men are deeply empathetic, just as some women may lean more toward individualism. Empathy is a human trait that is influenced by socialization, culture, and environment. Research suggests that, on average, women tend to score higher on measures of empathy. This may be partly due to slight neurological and hormonal differences, but more robust explanations lie in how girls and boys are raised. From an early age, girls are more often encouraged to nurture, attune to others' emotions, and consider the needs of the group. Boys, on the other hand, are frequently socialized toward independence, stoicism, and self-sufficiency. These early lessons shape how we show up in adulthood, including at work and in society.

Despite the significant benefits, in recent times some have begun to characterize empathy as a liability, especially in professional settings. Many may recall Mark Zuckerberg’s controversial comment that the workplace needs to be “more masculine.” Since then, there’s been a noticeable uptick in dismissive attitudes toward emotional intelligence, particularly on professional platforms like LinkedIn. More broadly, social media has become a battleground where empathy is often met with cynicism, ridicule, or outright aggression.

This cultural shift extends beyond digital spaces. In politics and media, empathetic policy proposals are increasingly labeled as naïve, too woke, too radical, or even dangerous. One particularly jarring moment occurred when a group of elected officials declined to affirm that children with cancer should be exempt from deportation, an example that left many Americans stunned. Others, myself included, wrestle with the emotional and ethical impact of abruptly halting humanitarian aid, knowing such decisions can jeopardize access to food and medical care for vulnerable populations around the globe.

If you find yourself troubled by this trend, you’re not alone and you are not the problem. The U.S. has long emphasized rugged individualism, a philosophy that values self-reliance and personal responsibility. While this ethos has inspired innovation and resilience, it also has limits. By many global standards, our outcomes tell a sobering story: the U.S. has one of the highest maternal mortality rates among developed nations, lags behind in life expectancy and literacy, and ranks lower on global indexes measuring personal freedom and well-being.

Empathy and hyper-individualism cannot comfortably coexist. Empathy asks us to recognize the role that community, circumstance, and structural forces play in shaping lives. Individualism insists success is solely a matter of personal effort. Both offer important perspectives, but when empathy is discarded entirely, we lose the capacity to build systems that serve everyone.

So why the growing discomfort with empathy? The COVID-19 pandemic may offer some clues. It exposed just how interconnected our lives really are, something that challenged the “me first” mindset many Americans hold dear. At the same time, rising loneliness, increased political polarization, and a breakdown of community ties have made empathy feel like a risk instead of a resource. Inflammatory rhetoric, particularly when national leaders demean or mock entire groups of citizens, fuels tribalism over cooperation. And tribalism is the antithesis of empathy, it narrows our field of care to those who look, vote, or live like us.

But here’s the truth: empathy drives social progress. Countries that consistently rank highest in life satisfaction, such as Norway, Finland, and the Netherlands, embed empathy into public policy. They prioritize healthcare, education, parental leave, and housing through a lens of shared well-being. Their criminal justice systems emphasize rehabilitation over retribution, resulting in far lower incarceration rates and higher social trust. The benefits extend into education as well. Countries with high literacy rates often focus not just on academics, but on student well-being. Teachers trained in social-emotional learning, empathy included, foster better outcomes for both themselves and their students. In contrast, the U.S. leads the world in incarceration and reports rising mental health challenges, social distrust, and civic disengagement.

Empathy matters in the workplace too. Studies show that gender diverse teams perform better, especially on complex tasks that require collaboration and communication. Organizations with more women in leadership tend to outperform their peers in terms of profitability, innovation, transparency, and employee retention. Empathy fuels these outcomes.

To the women, and men, who feel uncertain about showing empathy in today’s climate: your compassion is not a weakness. It’s a strength our country needs more than ever. Empathy is a powerful force for connection, resilience, and growth. It has fueled some of the most successful and stable societies around the world, and it can help us rebuild the trust and cohesion we need here at home.

Part two of this series will explore the pressures women face to return to traditional roles and why we must thoughtfully examine where those expectations come from.

Until then, remember: your empathy is not the problem. It might just be the solution.

Parenting, Politics & Cognitive Dissonance

Tue, 25 Feb 2025 17:26:16 GMT

Disclaimer - I tend to avoid mixing politics with my work and offering opinions vs evidence based insights. I am straying, this is an opinion piece, it is my opinion. It is not right or wrong, it is my reality. I am offering it so that like minded parents know they are not alone. It is anyone's prerogative to have different views, it is also expected that differing views are expressed with respect, intelligence, and thoughtfulness. Unfortunately, our political environment cannot be separated from our mental health during these times, which is why I am leveraging this platform.

Cognitive dissonance arises when we receive conflicting information related to values, beliefs, and attitudes. It creates significant psychological distress and can result in both maladaptive and constructive behaviors. Right now, I personally believe most parents who fall within a certain range of centered political beliefs are experiencing cognitive dissonance on a daily basis. The range I speak of is broad encompassing moderates and most left-centered and right-centered on the political spectrum.

Our government has become so focused on the extremes—the far left and the far right—that those of us seeking common sense and harmony feel confused and unrepresented. There are issues on both sides when anything becomes extreme. The far left, in my opinion, has pushed us too far in some ways. As someone who embraces diversity and respect, I struggle to keep up with what words are now off-limits. A simple slip—using terminology ingrained in me for over 45 years—can suddenly offend. It’s not ignorance; it’s habit, it’s “mom brain", I am old and not as quick of a thinker anymore. I don't always remember the letters in LGBTQIA, sometimes I have to look them up. I don't forget them out of disrespect, many of us are just middle aged people with much on our minds and struggle learning any new acronym while remembering to sign our kids up for sports before the price increases. On the other hand, the far right has embraced verbal and physical aggression—destruction of public spaces, bodily harm against law enforcement, and white supremacists marching as though this is somehow socially acceptable again. Democrats have been, in my opinion, at times speaking to the far left, leaving out moderates and center-right voters. Republicans now cater to the far right, leaving out the more moderate left.

This is where I do take my personal side: The greatest danger of the far left, in my opinion, is unreason, and the greatest danger of the far right, in my opinion, is gender, class, and race-based hate, justified by a Christian Nationalist ideology. Many people in the political middle can tolerate unreason more easily than they can tolerate hate. And this is precisely why the shift from appeasing the far left to appeasing the far right is creating a new form of cognitive dissonance.

Average, everyday people—including parents—are accustomed to diversity in thought and community. We grew up with the belief of treating others with kindness. We’ve spent years supporting anti-bullying campaigns in schools. We volunteer and have empathy for the less fortunate. We have been instilling these beliefs in our children.

When I entered the workforce in 2000, the professional world was less diverse. Over time, diversity became more prevalent—and for most of us, that was a positive shift. We’ve worked alongside people of different races, cultures, and viewpoints, and we’ve seen firsthand that diversity enriches our work and lives. We celebrate Black History Month not to make white children feel guilty, but because we want to honor and respect the history and struggles of Black Americans. We acknowledge that past oppression still creates real barriers today. We want our children to do better, we were not trying to guilt them. That was the right thing. That felt good and decent.

Women, too, have made progress. My first job out of college was in a male-dominated industry. At first, I saw my male colleagues as mentors, almost like uncles. But then the casual touching and inappropriate comments started. Back then, I blamed myself. I wasn’t dressing provocatively, I spoke about my husband, I treated them with respect. Yet, I convinced myself I had done something to invite the behavior. I cannot stress enough that the majority of men treated me with respect. However, psychological damage was inflicted by the few. Over the past 20 years, we’ve screamed from the rooftops, demanding that workplace harassment stop. And finally, it has become the norm to expect respect. We celebrated that. We felt joy knowing our daughters and daughters-in-law might not have to experience what we did.

But now, here we are. A highly decorated Black military officer fired simply because he couldn’t prove he wasn’t a “diversity hire.” His replacement? A white man with far fewer qualifications. A highly decorated female military officer fired for the same reason. And here is where cognitive dissonance sets in.

For those of us "inliers" on the political spectrum and the far left, our values tell us that diversity is good. Our values tell us that minority and female hires are just as capable as white men and deserve their fair share of the pie. Our values tell us that we thrive when surrounded by diversity of thought and experience. We’ve instilled these same values in our children. And now, we see people in power attacking diversity and making decisions based solely on race and gender. How do we explain this to our kids? How do we reconcile it within ourselves?

We are making such severe overcorrections to extreme left ideology that we’ve lost our moral compass. And the far right is preying on this. White men now feel under attack, not because they are, but because extremists are amplifying their subconscious fears. No one cares if men go out for beers with their friends and tell jokes. No one is asking men to stop being masculine. We simply asked that they not harass us, that they not belittle us, that they share opportunities fairly. Recognizing that the majority already were. Most of us can empathize with the fact that men today are struggling to redefine masculinity. And that’s okay. But what’s not okay is extremists feeding off those fears and encouraging toxic behaviors instead of providing healthy role models for young men.

And then, there’s how we treat each other. Do you remember when politeness was a thing? When anti-bullying campaigns were a priority? When embracing different viewpoints made us stronger? When as Americans we felt pride in helping the sick and starving children around the world. That felt right. That felt moral. And yet, today, we see government leaders bullying people online, mocking the poor, calling fellow Americans parasites.

Cognitive dissonance is exhausting. Those of us "inliers" are still wired for common sense, for decency, for kindness. We tell our children to embrace different perspectives. But now, are we supposed to encourage bullying? Are we supposed to teach our kids that public shaming and cruelty are acceptable?

My son’s role model is an NFL player that went to a local high school—a hardworking, humble, and generous young man. He doesn’t degrade women. He doesn’t spew hate. He gives back to his community. That is the kind of leader I want my son to look up to. Not politicians who mock and insult others for sport. Not individuals who gain power by dividing people instead of uniting them.

I don’t want to live in a world where fear and division replace respect and understanding. I don’t want my child to grow up in that world. If you’re struggling to explain this shift in our country's culture to your children, if you are struggling to explain that love is strength and respect is good, you’re not alone. If you are questioning your own sanity, you're not alone. You are sane.

But here’s the thing about cognitive dissonance: We don’t have to surrender to it. We can act. We can reject extremism and stand for values of diversity, kindness, and fairness. We can explain to our children that these values are of great importance and that some have lost sight of them. While our freedoms of speech are starting to be interfered with, we still have freedom of speech in our homes. We can surround ourselves with communities that reflect those values. We can speak up with respect. We can fight for what’s right—not with hate or division, but with the same decency and moral clarity that we want to pass on to our children. We can volunteer, we can donate, we can peacefully protest, we can ask minorities and those in need what they need from us during these times.

This past month, I have caught myself overcome with distress and not fighting back with decency. Starting today, I am righting myself and reminding myself what Michelle Obama taught us "when they go low, we go high". I am holding onto hope that the majority of us are kind and decent and some are just caught up in the hype of the moment.

When Lack of Autonomy Leads to Burnout

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 11:41:31 GMT

Take a Vacation Then Take Control

Being burned out without knowing why is like carrying an invisible weight that gets heavier every day. You’re exhausted even after a full night’s sleep, but it’s not just physical—it’s a deep, mental weariness that makes even simple tasks feel overwhelming. There’s a persistent sense of unease, like something’s wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You might find yourself more irritable, less patient, and unable to muster enthusiasm for things you once enjoyed. It’s as if the joy has been drained out of your life, and you’re just going through the motions, unsure of where the disconnect lies.

When we feel burned out, our first instinct is often to take a vacation, cut back on hours, or simply step away for a while. However, these breaks don't always bring the relief we hope for. While an overwhelming workload is commonly blamed for burnout, it's just one of several causes. Without identifying the true cause of your burnout, any action you take is likely to be a temporary fix. A vacation might offer a brief escape, but it won’t address the underlying issues, leaving you stuck in the same cycle once you return.

Let’s talk about one of the harder to identify culprits of burnout, which is lack of autonomy. Imagine waking up every day, knowing your job is no longer yours to shape. Your decisions are second-guessed, your creativity stifled, and every task feels like a chore dictated by someone else. This isn’t just a bad day at the office—it’s the slow erosion of your autonomy, and it’s a direct path to burnout. In a world where we crave control over our lives, the loss of autonomy at work can be devastating, leaving us drained, disengaged, and desperately searching for a way out. But why does this happen, and how can we stop it before it’s too late?

A common cause of losing autonomy at work is micromanagement. When managers or supervisors closely control every aspect of your tasks, decisions, and workflow, it can strip away your sense of independence. Instead of trusting you to use your skills and judgment, they dictate how things should be done, leaving little room for creativity or personal input. This can make you feel powerless and disengaged, as if your expertise and contributions are undervalued, leading to frustration and, ultimately, burnout.

My approach to managing skilled professionals is to focus on providing clear guidance on the "what" and offering support on the "how" only when necessary. The “how” is where skilled employees should be able to embrace their autonomy. A new employee might need more direction on how to achieve their goals as they develop their own work style. Similarly, an employee who is struggling to meet objectives may require coaching on how to get there. While standardization has its place, in a white-collar environment, it should primarily apply to the "what"—the outputs and objectives we aim to achieve. This might not be feasible for all roles, especially those in production or with significant safety or regulatory concerns. In such cases, employers should find creative ways to grant autonomy, such as involving employees in decision-making, process improvements, or task teams.

Employees can take several proactive steps to achieve more autonomy at work:

1. Communicate Clearly: Openly discuss your desire for more autonomy with your manager. Express how having more control over your tasks can improve your performance and job satisfaction.

2. Build Trust: Consistently deliver high-quality work and meet deadlines to build trust with your supervisors. When they see that you’re reliable and capable, they may be more inclined to grant you greater independence.

3. Seek Feedback: Regularly ask for feedback on your work and use it to improve. Demonstrating that you can take constructive criticism and grow from it shows that you’re ready for more responsibility.

4. Propose Solutions: Instead of just identifying problems, come up with potential solutions. Show that you’re thinking critically about your work and that you’re capable of making decisions.

5. Show Initiative: Volunteer for projects or tasks that align with your skills and interests. Taking the lead on initiatives shows that you’re eager to take on more responsibility.

6. Set Boundaries: Be clear about what you need to maintain productivity and balance. Politely assert your needs, such as flexible work hours or control over certain tasks, to create a work environment where you can thrive.

7. Collaborate and Network: Build strong relationships with your colleagues and managers. A solid network within the organization can support your push for greater autonomy by vouching for your capabilities and reliability.

8. Develop Expertise: Continuously improve your skills and knowledge in your field. The more you know and the more value you add, the more likely you are to be trusted with greater autonomy.

9. Identify and leverage your VIA Character Strengths: Job crafting allows you to reshape your tasks in a way that aligns with your strengths, which can significantly boost your engagement at work. By consciously incorporating your strengths into your daily tasks, you can enhance your job satisfaction and performance. This approach is within your control and can often be done subtly, even under the watch of a strict micromanager.

By taking these steps, employees can position themselves as capable and reliable, making it easier to gain the autonomy they seek.

Next time you’re feeling burned out, by all means, take that vacation and lighten your workload. But after you’ve had a few piña coladas on the beach, come back and give me a call. Remember that work overload is often the over blamed culprit of burnout. Let’s figure out whether overload is really the root cause of your burnout or if there are other steps you need to take to get back on track.